It’s 4:30 in the afternoon.
I’ve had a couple weeks where sleep has not been good for various reasons — physical especially. Sick one week, feeling muscles still sore…and then having to work a late night last night before turning around to do my show this morning.
So, I know part of the heaviness I’m feeling is tied to that, but it doesn’t change the pain in my soul.
Over the years, I’ve made mentions about things that trigger my depression. I’ve addressed some publicly and I’ve been very hesitant to address others because I’m worried about the impact when I do, especially in that it may just further add to feeling of isolation or give people reason to hurt me further.
One of my absolute worst traits is putting up walls to keep from being further hurt or humiliated when shit hits the fan. I was hurt way too many times growing up with being embarrassed, mocked, having had my attempts at building relationships used as an inroads for people to tear me down. When I was young and naïve, I just kept trying, hoping that “this time will be different.”
It never really was. My true friendships from growing up are very few because bullying was just how too many people coped with their own situations. I know that there are a bunch of those I grew up with who have recognized how the things we all were dealing with was pretty fucked up. At the time, though, taking aim at Troy was a pretty common game. I don’t speak to a lot of my classmates, honestly, other than the occasional interaction. There are others who I’ve made peace with, but there will always be scars.
I’ve known for a while that I really erected a bunch of walls after being ejected from my job in Greeley.
I was embarrassed. Still am.
I was humiliated. Still am.
I was angry. Still am.
I felt I failed. On sooooo many levels.
Still do.
Moving, getting up to speed at a new job, adding mornings to the mix again all have reinforced those walls. I’m lousy at feeling like I’m imposing on people when I go to try to discuss any of it. I’m seriously afraid that I’m going to just be seen as someone who can’t get over all of it and thus get further shunned.
Yeah, I’ve been a bad friend while also being bad about how I view myself. The amount of internal yelling in my life…
So I isolate myself more. Stop making contacts. Just plug away at things to get through the day and keep my head down.
I’ve never been that guy who can “just get over it”. My intense anger, sure, will go at a point. It’s the aftermath that never really fades, that blue flame that flickers.
It’s always been “What is so wrong with me that…” Add in the loss of so much that I was pursuing and had accomplished, and these past five years have truly seen me almost completely build a roof on top of those walls.
When you factor in the current events, it just adds to my anger, my disdain for those who bully. It hurts to see people I think so highly of turning to being fans, not just of the bullying, but of the bullies. There are friends who have completely flipped their attitudes from 10 years ago to where they’re perfectly fine with the pain being inflicted on those who are seen as different and somehow less human than or less American than or less worthy than…
And it opens those scars of years ago up. It’s those “temporary friendships” I had that always ended with the other person taking advantage of my earnestness, my kindness to tear me down. Just now, those friendships were longer, the ties stronger…and I’m left feeling like that kid who just holed up in his room with the radio and books as his escape, finding ways to build those walls around my heart higher, trying to protect myself while also wanting to stand up and fight so that others don’t face the same.
It hurts me to see so many people praising a man who’s entire ethos is about tearing others down to build himself up. All you had to see was him weekly uttering “You’re fired” to understand that, but the stories about what he has done to people who have worked for him at many different points speak volumes. Yet, somehow he’s seen as some conquering hero while tearing down people for just existing. Kindness, be damned. Grace, be damned. Honesty, be damned. Empathy, be damned.
Cruelty is celebrated. Tearing down your neighbor is expected. Claiming individual rights while taking the same from others is seen as the way to live.
Today, more bricks were delivered. The hurt in my soul over those bricks is tremendous.
It’s 5:15…on a Friday. I’m so tired.
Troy Coverdale 